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Why do you build me up Buttercup, baby
Just to let me down and mess me around
The Foundations: Build Me Up Buttercup
I recently came across a couple of very disappointing press releases that told me far less than I wanted to know.
The first was from the normally excellent Kotug, and it announced that the company has developed patented drone technology for future use in its tug operations.
Kotug claims that what it calls a pioneering invention – using a drone to connect the towline to an assisted vessel – drastically improves safety margins and avoids the need for manoeuvring in the danger zone near the bow of the vessel. What's more, the messenger line is delivered to a pre-determined location using object-recognition software. For more information, there were two links embedded in the press release.
Whilst I never worked in rivers or canals where we needed to put the tugs anywhere near the danger zone, I thought this sounded exciting. At the very least, I would probably discover what type of messenger is being used (rocket line, I guessed), how it is secured to the drone, how the ship's crew release it without having all their fingers removed by the drone's propellers, and how they then heave in the towing line over a much greater distance without the risk of dropping it and getting it wrapped around the tug's propellers.
All good stuff to know, but I was doomed to disappointment because one of the links went to the excellent documentary about the life and career of Ton Kooren – well worth watching, but containing no references to drones – and the other took me to a cartoon.
As cartoons go, this one was disappointing. It showed a cartoon drone flying towards a cartoon ship with a cartoon messenger, and that was it. Not one of my questions was answered.
Sorry, Kotug, but every cartoon needs a punchline, and yours was sadly lacking. To see how it should be done, I suggest perhaps the greatest cartoon ever made, the 1957 Bugs Bunny short "What's Opera, Doc?" in which Bugs is chased and seemingly offed by Elmer Fudd to some of Wagner's most glorious music. As Bugs is carried to Valhalla by a weeping Elmer, he looks up and asks, "Well, what did you expect in an opera? A happy ending???"
In the case of Kotug, I did expect a happy ending, and was disappointed. Perhaps the company was keeping its powder dry until it could unveil its system at a major conference, but then why would the good people there tease us by sending us to links that revealed nothing?
The press release from a rope manufacturer was even worse. It proudly announced "a groundbreaking collaboration…..an innovative product set to redefine industry standards and drive marine operations into the future…to address the evolving needs of the maritime sector…to deliver a transformative solution that enhances efficiency, safety, and sustainability across maritime operations globally."
I could go on, but I am sure you get the drift. Altogether, the press release ran to more than 400 words so think yourselves lucky I did not reproduce it in its entirety.
There was only one problem. In all 400 words, the manufacturer forgot to tell us what this magical product is, or what it does.
The manufacturer did, of course, provide a link to a website, but I was unable to find any reference to the new product. This might be explained by an admission in the press release that an official launch was planned to take place during a major conference, but once again I was left wondering why the company bothered to write 400 words of uninformative drivel if their product was a secret.
Fortunately their technological partner had a less mysterious website that revealed they had developed 'disruptive technology'. This sounded ominous, but when I looked it up I discovered that disruptive technology is defined as an innovation that significantly alters the way that consumers, industries or businesses operate. A disruptive technology sweeps away the systems or habits it replaces because it has attibutes that are recognizably superior. Wow!
In this case, the thing that will significantly alter the way you operate and sweep away your old habits appears to be a pencil-shaped device that is embedded in ropes and that "measures rope tension, rope angle, slew angle, peak loads and more." Presumably, it will tell you when to change a rope at the very last minute before it breaks, but I might be wrong.
One thing is for sure – you might think you are quite good at knowing when to change a tow rope, and you might even congratulate yourself on selling your old ropes to a local factory that turns them into wigs, or fishing nets, or bondage gear, but if an accountant thinks the technology can reduce the frequency of rope replacement, then you will soon find yourself having pencil-shaped devices inserted.
In my last column, I berated Jennifer Carpenter, President and CEO of the American Waterways Operators, for her lukewarm response to the use of escort tugs in Baltimore or anywhere else. Now I am forced to admit there may have been a reason for her reservations, because the federal authorities are considering escort towage and she is probably worried they will bring in some universal requirement for escort tugs even in ports where they will serve no useful purpose.
I still think Ms Carpenter's statement could have been better and stronger, and could have stressed the need for proper risk assessment to determine exactly what each port should do.
As for her assertion that "there are many questions that have to be answered before jumping on escort tugs as a solution…What size and capacity should they be? Tug escort is a complicated manoeuvre. Where will the crews be trained?" the people in Baltimore appear to have answered these basic questions because larger ships are now entering and leaving the port through the narrower channel where the bridge once stood with two escort tugs. Not so difficult, was it?
That's all, folks!
